“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
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“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Lol
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”