Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
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I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door