My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
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I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.