[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out š
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*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if youāve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure youāre all right. I keep telling them I donāt know what work is but they still keep calling me anywayā¦
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
There is so much beef on Twitter itās impossible to stay vegan
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
God: letās make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: thatās pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and theyāre leaky as hell
A: there it is
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
When Kanye rapped āJesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosifiedā, I felt that
Iām too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didnāt take an edible so I have to act like Iām not high itās almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My youngest found an āIām a big sisterā t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now itāll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes Iām not pregnant
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime sceneā¦for attention. I think Iām in love.
MUM š³
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
As highly as itās esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.