Wait a minute…
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TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
They’re the worst 😩
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.