I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
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Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My first son he is wonderful
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!