*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
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[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
August 8
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
“Wait, let me explain..”