I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
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Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.