I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
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Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
just left a huge legacy in there
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them