Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
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My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?