My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
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You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
selfie game
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!