“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
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honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
*lint rolls you awake*
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.