you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead