Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
You Might Also Like
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.