Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
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Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.