I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
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[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Hmmmmm
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.