Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
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The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator