ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
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How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?