“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
You Might Also Like
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?