ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.