[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
What’s a Messi?
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Auto correct is my worst enema.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
If snakes were wide