Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
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My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.