There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
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Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
lost dog
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Love is always patient and kind.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.