What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
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Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Art by Pastelkatto
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house