I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
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My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.