Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
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lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
A great tip. #CakeRex
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
i actually laughed 😩
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.