Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
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I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”