the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
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huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
😂😂
I feel this so hard
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished