Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
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“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever