If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
You Might Also Like
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I’m having an out of money experience.