Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
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Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.