When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
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Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
what could possibly go wrong?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]