I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Awwwww shit.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
This kid is going places
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet