satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
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yall want some gasoline milk
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?