ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
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somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for