“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
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Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.