[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
(Jupiter –
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.