Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
im 7 sauces long
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
the prophecies have been fulfilled
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.