Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
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Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.