My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
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Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
#NeverForget
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.