I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
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CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you