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My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
i meant to share this earlier
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”