Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
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-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast