Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
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*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.