(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.