“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
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Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
FRED: right
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.