earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host