13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
You Might Also Like
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here