Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.