I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
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Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
😬
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
guys I’m going home
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.